


Cleaning My Soul

by Cerise_Jones



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Comics), Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Endgame, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gamora - Freeform, Hurt Gamora (Marvel), Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, Love, Marvel - Freeform, Marvel Universe, POV Peter Quill, Peter Quill Feels, Post-Guardians of the Galaxy (2014), Post-Movie: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Protection, Protective Peter Quill, Psychological Trauma, Self-Hatred, Starmora, Trauma, Whump, mcu - Freeform, more than anything, space, thanos - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-12 09:52:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18444128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cerise_Jones/pseuds/Cerise_Jones
Summary: After two years of dating, Gamora breaks down in front Peter for the first time. And she’s like, REALLY crying and therefore Peter’s really having a heart attack. The thing is, he can’t find out what caused it. But when he does it hurts like nothing else in the universe.SO much starmora feelings and emotions and sap that it’s busting from the seams.(like I’m serious you’re entering a mine field of deep feelings here)Pre Infinity Hell, post vol. 2.





	Cleaning My Soul

**Author's Note:**

> God, I’m so dramatic and I’m a dramatic writer so enjoy.
> 
> This fic is inspired by the song ‘The Power of Love’ performed by Gabrielle Aplin. I’d like to put the most relevant lyrics below, you’re welcome to skip straight to the story if you’d like.
> 
> ‘Love is the light scaring darkness away  
> The power of love, a force from above  
> Cleaning my soul  
> I’ll protect you from the hooded claw  
> Keep the vampires from your door  
> When the chips are down,  
> I’ll be around  
> With my undying death-defying love for you  
> Hatred will hurt itself  
> Let yourself be beautiful  
> Love is pure, the only treasure  
> I’m so in love with you  
> Make love your goal.’

Peter wakes up to a cool breeze rolling over his skin. At first it’s like a soothing wave of soft air, then it triggers a shiver that gently jolts him awake. He blinks his eyes open and groans, though he’s so tired that it just comes out as a long exhale. He hates waking up in the middle of the night. It doesn’t happen as much as it used to, especially when he lived alone on the Milano, but when it does happen it always irritates him because he hardly ever gets back to sleep. Though recently he has been finding it a little easier, mainly because he doesn’t sleep alone anymore. So he reaches his arm across and when it doesn’t come into contact with smooth green skin, when his hand flops down onto the crumpled sheets and that chill glides over his arm he frowns and drags himself into a sit, blinking dazedly as his mind slowly fizzles with fatigue, wondering where she is. Gamora hardly ever gets up in the night, at least that’s what he assumes because he’s sure that if she left he would tell. There’s something about having someone you adore lying next to you that’s hard to ignore. Though obviously he wasn’t able to tell now because he’s sitting here blinking at the crumpled sheets she’s left behind and he almost frowns again because he would really prefer to go back to sleep as soon as possible. Even so, he does lie back and wait for her to return. He supposes she just went to the bathroom or something. 

But then he lies there for a good 10 minutes or so, staring up at the metallic ceiling as his arm is sprawled out next to him. Fingers tracing the outline of where she should be. He returns to his frowning and now actually groans as he gets up. He’s not going to get back to sleep now and he might as well look for her seeing as she’s the reason he can’t. So he stands up clumsily while the world tilts, his tired mind swaying for a moment as the signal finally reaches his legs to move. He drags each foot against the floor, the hardness of it seeping coldness through his socks. Once he’s stumbled through their bedroom door he tries to tiptoe past Rocket’s (he made the mistake of waking him once, he doesn’t need profuse swearing rattling his head at this time of night again) and approaches the nearest of the multiple bathrooms on the ship. Technically he shouldn’t pry, I mean sure they’re together but he’s still not sure Gamora would appreciate him intruding on her... bodily functions. But he softly knocks on the door anyway, whispering her name and waiting for a threat in return for disturbing her. But there is no reply and as he shifts his weight against the door it opens. He looks inside and there’s no Gamora. Frowning again, he swipes a tickling tuft of his hair out of his face as he scratches his stubble. Okay, maybe she didn’t go to the bathroom? Maybe she got a drink down in the kitchen area. So reluctantly, away from his bed but determinedly towards her, he steps down the ladder, missing a rung as his heavy foot thumps down on the floor. He winces and waits to hear Rocket’s cursing but continues when the air remains free of such noise pollution. Yawning, he walks into the kitchen area and instead of finding Gamora he finds nothing but the tap dripping, creating a beat like a rhythm that he inwardly chants the words ‘what the hell’ to as his mind swirls as to her whereabouts. If she’s not in the bathroom or here then where? He turns off the tap, the cold metal chilling his palm, then goes on a little search around the ship. The cockpit, the other bathroom, the communal room and she’s nowhere. Suddenly he feels awake and has no desire to go back to sleep because now it’s possible that he’s slightly panicked. He searches everywhere he can think of until he thinks to go down to the lower part of the ship, though there’s nothing there but the engines and the storage room where they keep their weapons. Again he climbs down the ladder, careful not to miss any steps and his feet touch the ground. The floor is warmer down here, the nocturnal engines radiating heat. He goes to the last place he can think, the storage room, because there’s no where else she could be. Though he’s immensely baffled as to why she would be there in the middle of the night, so much so that he doubts she’s even there and wonders if she literally just disappeared. But when he hears a sound coming from that room he freezes. His suspicions are confirmed when movement is heard from within it but what he hears sets the rising panic he had into a frenzy.

“Gamora?”

As he marches towards it the sound gets louder. The noise of the engines fight for dominance but he wouldn’t mistake her voice anywhere, even when she’s... _crying_? _What_ _the_ _f_ -?

It’s safe to say that when Peter is tired his mind is not at its peak functionality. But now it’s safe to say that on top of that his mind is working with confusion and panic because he’s never heard such a sound before, he’s never heard Gamora cry so the fact that it’s all his ears can focus on puts pressure on his heart that sends it’s beat soaring. He reaches the door and goes to open it but it’s locked. Who’s bright freakin idea was it to put a lock on the _inside_ of a storage room? He’s about to curse when he realises that it was probably his idea and then actually curses when he twists the handle but the door is too stiff. 

The crying is broken by a loud sob and it physically twists his heart. His voice comes out as a hurried blur. 

“Gamora? Is that you in there? What happened?” 

He pushes on the door again and the crying abruptly stops, he freezes for a full few seconds as all sorts of scenarios rush through his head. At one point he starts to doubt that it’s even her crying because he can’t get his head around what’s happening. But when her voice drifts through the door like harsh wind he almost flinches at how broken she sounds. 

“Go back to bed, Peter. I’ll be up in a minute.”

He listens to her every word with scrutiny yet also ignores everything she says. 

“What’s going on in there- are you okay?!”

“I’m- I’m fine I’m just... sharpening my- my daggers.” 

“Bullshit!” He shouldn’t be raising his voice. He’s not angry, not in the least. He’s terrified. His voice is harsh because he’s almost scared shitless at the sound of her voice. That’s his Gamora but her voice is laced with something he’s never heard and it sends an ache through him.

“Gamora, _let_ _me_ _in_ , what’s going on?”

The only reply he gets is the sound of another sob. He hears movement inside and thinks about how strong that lock is and whether he could kick it down. Just as he stands back to possibly try that method she speaks again. 

“Please go. You don’t want to see me like this.”

“Go?” He’s back at the door again, his weight leant against it. “Like hell am I gonna go. What’s wrong? Gamora, you’re freaking me out. Like a lot, so please just let me in.”

There’s silence for a moment. Then he hears her breathing and sniffing and muffled shuffling that suggests movement. Then there’s another pause and he shakes his head as he’s about to go back to that kicking method. He steps back but the sound of the lock being undone is heard, though the door still doesn’t open.

He approaches it quickly, frown like valleys in his forehead as he pushes it open. Instead of seeing her standing on the other side of the door he sees her go and slump down on the other side of the room, presumably returning to the spot where she was just sat. He shouldn’t be hesitating to go over to her, he isn’t really. He’s telling his legs to move, yelling at them in fact but his whole body is struck frozen as his eyes lay on her. The braid she usually knits in her hair before bed is a frizzy mess. Her cheeks are stained with tears, her eyes red and as his eyes travel through her features he notices her lip quivering. She’s shaking. She’s... _shaking_. And honestly, seriously, so serious that he would swear on an original copy of a Blue Swede album, he has never been so petrified in all his life. He loses his breath as he looks down at her and feels like his world is spinning. Because this is Gamora, who he’s known for years, who he’s dated for two and he’s never, not once seen her cry let alone look so damn broken that it makes his soul want to break out of his chest. When he finally breathes again his legs decide to move. They stutter like his words as he goes over, falling to the ground gracelessly in a heap next to her. His arms reach out and touch her, he searches her rapidly for any sign of injury or just _something_ that explains what’s happening.

“Wh- what’s wrong?! What the- what happened?? Please.”

She doesn’t look at him. Instead she looksforward at the ground like she’s in a trance, the tears rolling down her cheeks dripping down onto his hand as he holds hers, trying to stop them from shaking. When she continues to seemingly not hear him he fights to make his voice softer. He sits up straighter and suffocates the urge to freak out because clearly he can’t do that right now. Though maybe he should be because if Gamora’s acting like this then something really bad, really horrible has happened.

“Gamora? Hey, you’re _freaking_ me out.” Her eyes finally raise to his and for a second he wishes they hadn’t because they look like they don’t belong to her. Those are not the eyes he’s pictures when he’s sad. Those aren’t the eyes he’s watched sparkle when she laughs at something. They are so sad that they change her whole face and he feels his own hands start to shake at the shock of it.

“Talk to me.”

She drops her gaze and returns her eyes to the floor though she seems to have broken out of her trance. As she inhales her breath hitches on a sob and he watches her lips move as she speaks.

“I thought you were asleep. I didn’t want to wake you, this is just something that I do. Something that I have to do.”

He waits for her to continue and doesn’t hide his bewilderment when she doesn’t.

“What are you talking about?! Why-“ he touches her on her cheek, encouraging her to look at him even though it hurts. “Why are you crying?” 

She looks at him and frowns and for a moment the features he recognises return. She looks almost ready to storm out or yell at him or just dismiss him completely. Then her features soften and contort back to anguish. He watches her give in and almost gasps when she starts to cry again.

“I- I can’t get them to stop. I can’t get them to stop screaming. I can’t escape... I don’t deserve escape.” 

His eyes are intense on her.

“Who? Who- what? You can’t get who to stop?” 

She watches him and for a moment he feels like he’s under scrutiny. She scans his face through the puddles in her eyes and her voice turns to a whisper.

“I... so many people have fallen by my hand. Too many. And it never leaves me. I can hear them. Their screams, their pleas. I can see their faces, I remember each one and I- I’m a murderer.”

Finally Peter’s features ease and his face is blank for a second as he finally learns what’s causing this. He still feels his heart beating fast in his chest but he can finally use that to work on talking her round, calming her down. Though to be honest, he’s not entirely sure how to approach this.

“That’s not who you are-“ 

“I’m a monster.” 

“That is _not_ what you are.”

“You don’t know me Peter. You have no idea the things that I’ve done.”

“The things you’ve done? The things that _Thanos_ made you do?” He spits out the name as though it tastes vile in his mouth. “That’s who the monster is. It was him who forced you to-“ 

“But _I_ did it. I did. He ordered it but I took their lives.” Her voice breaks. “I never wanted to be an assassin. I never wanted to do any of it but I was... scared, I was scared of him and I couldn’t take any more body modifications so I did whatever he said. I was weak. Selfish. I’m alive and those people are not. Why- how is that fair?”

“You are not what Thanos made you do. You’re nothing like what you’re describing. I do know you. You are the woman I saw for the first time on Xandar- ok well you did kick my ass first but- on _Knowhere_! On Knowhere I looked at you and I didn’t see an assassin. I saw this fearless, amazing woman. Who is selfless and determined to do what’s right. That’s who you are.“ 

“That’s not who I’ve always been.”

“Screw who you used to be, that’s the past. It matters what you do now, what you have done since the moment I’ve met you. We saved millions of people on Xandar.”

“And that’s supposed to make up for everything?”

“No bu-“

“I’m supposed of forgive myself now for doing what anyone would have done?” She stares at him with such intensity that he feels that her stare may burn. “Well I _don’t_ forgive myself.” Her stare dims and her features contort with tears. “I hate myself. I hate what I’ve done. I try to tell myself that I’m a good person, but am I?”

Peter’s eyes threaten to well up and he murders the impulse to crack at her words. The person who he loves most in the galaxy, who he _knows_ is the most amazing person in the universe hates herself. And it hurts. Like a bitch. It sends a new and weird ache through him that makes his insides feel painful because he simply cannot fathom how someone so beautiful can hate herself. 

“You are a good person, Gamora. Look at me.” He lifts his hand off of hers to lightly wipe her eyes with his thumb. “You may not believe me when I say this but you’re the best type of person.”

She scoffs and turns her face away, her hair swaying against his hand as he returns it on top of hers.

“Hey- I’m serious. Sure there’s good people that have done good things all their lives- whatever. I’ve got more respect for someone who’s been through a shit-ton of bad things and _still_ does the right thing. Even when everything is against them they rise up and decide to do what’s right. You’re the perfect example of that. Everyone on this ship is an example of that.” He adjusts his sitting until he’s facing her. “Everyone on this ship has done bad shit, would you call any of them monsters?” 

She looks at him fiercely, her lips barely moving as she speaks.

“It’s not the same.” 

“Why? Are they not worthy of a second chance? Of a family, of love and a home.”

“Of course.” 

“Then so are you.”

She looks at him and for a moment her eyes return to looking like the ones he knows. By now her shaking has stopped and her hand grips his. She inhales deeply, closing her eyes as she rests her head against the wall.

“I don’t deserve you, Peter. I’m not worthy. I never have been. You don’t deserve someone like me.” 

“No- hey no! I won’t have any of that. I reject that in its entirety and I won’t hear any more of that kind of talk because I have not almost been decapitated multiple times trying to get you to go on a date with me and then get the best deal of my life dating you for _two_ _years_ for you to try and break up with me now. No way, if you’re gonna get rid of me you’re gonna have to get creative ‘cuz I’m not going anywhere.” 

He wishes that caused traces of a smile on her lips but her expression remains pained, though it has eased since he first walked in. He outlines over her features with his eyes and wishes he could take the pain away, transfer it all onto him because it kills him to see her like this.

She stays silent and takes a deep breath, now trying to calm herself as down he rubs his thumb over her hand, watching her carefully as though looking for any sign of her getting upset again so that he can ramble out another speech.

She seems to sooth herself, though still visibly shaken. Peter’s long forgotten about going back to sleep now as he adjusts himself to sit back next to her, he puts his arms around her shoulders and lets her gently rest her head on the crook between his neck and shoulder. In the moment of quiet, the only sound being the soft rumble of the engines and Gamora’s sniff every so often he looks at his surrounding and remembers he’s in the storage room.

“Why were you in here?” His voice is soft and low as though not disturb her finally calming down. She seems to hesitate before answering.

“It feels familiar. On The Sanctuary I used to hide in the weapons vault when things became too much. Also, I didn’t think you would find me down here.” 

He pauses to consider this and then blinks sadly whilst speaking.

“You can always come and talk to me. About anything, you know that.”

“I do, I just didn’t think I was ready to. But I’m glad that I did.” 

Her arms wrap slightly tighter around his waist and he returns the same tightness. Then he realises that all this time, for all the years he’s known her, today was finally the day when she trusted him enough to reveal this side of her and although it was one of the most painful and to be honest traumatic moments of his life, he’s _almost_ glad that it happened. It shows that he’s finally reached her, after years of trying to get her to open up, getting her to feel comfortable around him she revealed the most vulnerable part of herself to him and that’s not something he’s going to take lightly. He’ll treat it with as much respect as he can muster and handle it with as much care as his clumsy ass can manage because for her have so much trust in him is the most precious thing in the universe and he’ll be damned if he ever breaks that.

After a while of silence, of them holding each other in the middle of the storage room at the bottom of the ship in the middle of the night (anything is normal around the Guardians nowadays) Peter disturbs the silence by asking what he’s been wanting to ask since they’ve been sitting like this. It gnaws at him and burns his insides and he refrained from asking it for as long as he could but he needs to know. 

“How many times have you done this? Come down here alone to...”

“A few times. More than I want to admit. I suppress it for as long as I can but then I just need to get it out. Sometimes my thoughts become too much, especially at night.”

And that’s the exact answer Peter was hoping she wouldn’t say. Because not only does it mean that she’s been suffering like this for a while but that he didn’t notice. He didn’t know how much pain she was in and he didn’t help. He should have noticed. He scolds himself for that and deep down he knows that if Gamora doesn’t want people to find out something it’s almost certain that they won’t but he’s supposed to be the one person who can see through that and he didn’t. For stars sake- he just thought she was in the bathroom taking an extra long shit.

“Gamora?” 

“Yes?” 

“You know how much I love you, right?”

She lets out a minute laugh on a sharp exhale.

“I have a pretty good idea, yes.”

“And you know that I would never judge you, no matter what you’ve done and that none of that will ever change what I think of you.”

There’s a long pause until he hears her sniffle, seeing her hand quickly dart up towards her eyes and dart back.

“...Yes.” 

She sits up and looks at him, her expression almost showing guilt.

“I didn’t mean to scare you.” 

“No, that’s alright I mean, it’s not the first time I’ve almost had a heart attack.”

Her features tease at a smile as she huffs.

“I’m serious. This... moments like these... this feeling is a part of me and I don’t think it’s ever going to go away.” 

He looks back at her, unscathed by her prediction because like he said, her trust is the most precious thing in the universe and he’ll be damned if he breaks that. 

“Then I’ll stay with you until it does.”

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Any comments are very much appreciated. Thank you so much for reading!  
> Another starmora fic out of the stack I have hidden away! I feel less and less insecure about my writing the more I post because you guys are always so kind.
> 
> I may post again before endgame. Good luck to you getting through that movie, I’ve already organised my funeral so


End file.
